Let's talk about shame. We have all spent time in the cool shade of shame; a dark, internal force that can serve as impairment to decision-making, self worth, and attitude. A corrosive thread that lives inside us, typically rooted in old ideas about ourselves we learned long ago. The voice that tells us, “I am a failure”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m a fraud”. Hands up if you’ve felt the hot and cold touch of shame throughout your life.
Shame-proneness isn’t uncommon. In fact, it’s directly correlated to the messages we received through our formative years. The experience of rejection that comes with falling outside the social norms can be translated into moral judgements on ourselves and our character. Shame is not to be confused with its helpful cousin, guilt, which deeply connects us to our own sense of empathy and allows for self-correction. Though the two are closely linked, guilt remains action oriented with a separation from self: “I have done a bad thing.”; while shame puts the blame squarely on ourselves: “I am the bad thing”. Chances are you’ve experienced guilt that served as a catalyst towards shame.
And shame - it’s bad for our health. It’s rooted in low self-esteem. Shame increases our propensity towards other psychological disorders, with depression being the strongest link and anxiety being a close second. When we exist with a perpetual level of shame in our action taking, it has rippling health impacts on both our physical and mental wellbeing.
When does shame die? And I mean really - when and how do we allow the experience of self-compassion to override shame so we can view our actions from a non-biased viewpoint?
The hard truth is - it’s a process. A process of awareness, insight, action, integration and self-compassion. As with all processes, it takes some time. Which means our relationship with shame will continue to persist as we explore the depths of its roots. For me, this is a relief. It means I’m not doing anything wrong if I continue to have flare ups of old ideas about myself. However, it does mean I am responsible for taking action steps to provide myself with corrective experiences. Let’s dive into the different levels of shame recovery.
Awareness
Internal awareness is key before we can develop any plan around addressing shame. You can’t address something you aren’t aware is happening. Bring attention to self-limiting thoughts. Journaling this messaging when it occurs can help you not only take stock of your internal monologue, but heighten your awareness when it occurs. Better yet, say it out loud or say it to a friend! Watch the reaction your brain has when you bring your shame into the light. Practice this, then practice again.
Insight
Einstein said, “We can’t solve our problems with the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” When awareness is established, we need to bring insight into the equation. This means gently probing around where your shame emanates from and how it affects your ability to function in the world. This is great work to do with a therapist! Explore the origins of your shame, how it functions in your world, and allow yourself to sit with the messiness it will unearth.
Action
With our awareness and insight established, it’s time to take action against shame. Actively defy the thought processes that feed you shameful messages by correcting your thoughts when they occur. Practice mindfulness and self-reflection to aid in emotional regulation when the experience of shame happens. Build a support system that allows you the space to process these feelings. Identify skills that use opposite action, grounding, journaling and affect identification. Build your toolbox and take action against shame.
Integration & Self-Compassion
The last step involves taking what you’ve learned and integrating it back into who you are. Use your awareness, insight and action to bring you back to the truest version of yourself. Integrate the parts of you that felt shameful into what they always were: a tool for self-preservation that you learned long ago. Vital to the process is the utilization of radical self-compassion. This doesn’t mean you’re absolved from accountability, but rather that your perceived mistakes hold no bearing as a human being with inherent worth.
So where can we shave off some shame today? Where can we question the messages that feel baked into our psyche and soul? And where we can extend the smallest amount of compassion that we - by virtue of being ourselves - have already earned? Ask yourself these questions, then get to work.
Alexa Cordry, LSW, LCADC
My Help Connect is a verified, independent & factual community for providers & clients created to easily find the best help possible. Connect with My Help Connect's message through multiple platforms:
Instagram: @myhelpconnect
Facebook: My Help Connect
LinkedIn: Company Page & Member Page
