Insecurity is a cornerstone of growth. It helps call attention to problem areas in our lives, and allows us to honestly face fear. The problem is that it doesn’t feel comfortable; it feels intensely vulnerable, humbling and scary. More than that, we don’t live in a society that nurtures insecurity as a helpful learning tool. Many of us - especially men - have been asked (subtly or not so subtly) to proceed as if insecurity doesn’t exist. When we do that, we rob ourselves of the emotional experience of looking fear square in the face, being curious about it, and allowing ourselves to move towards growth.
What is insecurity? It’s a feeling of uncertainty, lack of education, or fear in our abilities typically rooted in low self-esteem. We can experience insecurity in all areas of our life, be it personally, professionally, or in our relationships. I want you to embrace insecurity as a tool towards your own success. Take a look at the tips below for ways to move through insecurity and into your own power.
- Recognize your Value: It’s an evolutionary strategy that automatically orients us towards everything we perceive to be wrong. This is done in an effort to keep us alert and safe in our surroundings. From that lens, it takes work and awareness to orient towards what we are doing right. Take stock of your successes, even the small ones. Learn to integrate them as much as perceived mistakes.
- Affirm your Needs First: This is the old airplane adage, “secure your oxygen mask first before helping anyone else”. If we don’t take care of our own needs, we won’t be able to function physically, mentally or spiritually. Burn out & insecurity are inexplicably linked from this lens, meaning if we can’t make time for ourselves, or see how we are worthy of time for ourselves, our insecurity will only continue to blossom. Eat regularly, move your body, shut the phone off. You deserve to have your needs met.
- Put your Insecurities in the Light: This is absolutely my favorite tip around managing insecurity. Own it! Privately and in public. Insecurities die in the light and gain strength in the dark. Admit when you don’t know things or feel less educated on a topic. Tell the person you're speaking to that you don’t feel 100% confident but are willing to learn. Allow others to support your growth, and affirm that insecurity is a normal part of the human experience.
- Track your Thought Patterns: This brings us back to #1; in order to gain awareness in the way we unconsciously feed into our insecurities, develop a daily practice of noticing the way you speak to yourself. We can’t break thought patterns if we don’t know they’re occurring. Make it simple: use the notes app on your phone to jot down the thoughts associated with your insecurities, then find ways to challenge them when they come up again.
- Utilize your Support System: Insecurity melts away in the presence of people who love and accept you for who you are. More than that, these people often feel safest to communicate insecurity with. Allow yourself to be seen through the eyes of the people who love you, and how they value the worth you hold.
- See the Small Steps in Front of You: Insecurity will crop up in every new venture in life. From one perspective, this is encouraging and reminds us that the experience is normal. From the other perspective, it’s frustrating that we get to experience insecurity in new and different ways throughout the course of our lives. Don’t be discouraged! Learning to move and be flexible with insecurity while building your self-esteem happens in the small steps along the way. Like all feelings, they ebb and flow, so set some action steps and follow through one at a time.
- Demystify Insecurity through Identification: Education yourself on the experience of others! Most of us suffer from “terminally unique” syndrome, meaning we often feel we’re the only ones who have felt what we are feeling. Read books on the nature of insecurity, or mental health topics in general. Allow yourself to see insecurity as an innate human experience.
- Use Self-Compassion: Be easy on yourself, please. Never once in the history of change have our ideals shifted through beating ourselves up. The practice of radical self-compassion asserts that you are perfectly worthy through all your fumbles, mistakes and misgivings. While tracking your thought patterns, challenge these thoughts with the gentleness you would grant a friend.
Insecurity is a tool associated with a growth mindset. When embraced, it allows us the freedom to see how every fear, every negative thought about ourselves, is actually a tool for reset and growth. Using the tools above, you can begin to integrate your insecurity and transform it into an abundant tool for self-esteem.
Alexa Cordry, LSW, LCADC
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