We’ve all heard the numerous adages surrounding forgiveness.
“Forgive and forget”
“Take it with a grain of salt”
“Let bygones be bygones”
These sayings are so baked into our cultural lexicon, it serves to shape and inform our internal cues around forgiveness. Most of us have a defined version on the nature of forgiveness, and the way we’ve implemented it in our lives. Some have cultural or religious backgrounds that shape these norms, others use a moral code to inform the practice of forgiving. Still others have a visceral reaction to forgiveness, the mere mention of it spiking self-righteousness and defense.
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what forgiveness looks like for you - really and truly?
Have you thought deeply on the nature of forgiveness in different contexts?
Or what forgiveness isn’t?
I find when working with clients, most have an understanding on the basic context of forgiveness, i.e. “someone has done me wrong and I chose to release anger and resentment around the offense”. Even with a working knowledge of the definition, the act of implementing and integrating forgiveness is one that takes practice and skill.
Integrating forgiveness means having a felt sense of this process as finished and woven into the new identity of who you were before the offense. In other words, your work is mostly complete and you have been altered by the experience and returned to emotional homeostasis. I have found that in order to integrate a forgiveness experience, you must first understand two things:
- Forgiveness is a process
- What forgiveness is not
The Forgiveness Process
The forgiveness process can be conceptualized in many ways, but I find the most potent and easily understood is the model developed by clinical psychologist Dr. Robert Enright & psychiatrist Richard Fitzgibbons. The Enright Model of Forgiveness posits four crucial phases to processing forgiveness, and the role it can play in our healing.
- The Uncovering Phase: It’s exactly as it sounds - how do we understand, conceptualize and name the various layers to our resentment, justifiable anger, shame, obsessive thoughts, or permanent alteration to worldview that the offense has left us feeling? Until we confront the nature of the offense, we cannot move forward in integrating forgiveness. I find so many skip this phase because of its inherent discomfort. Think back to the adage, “forgive and forget”. Quite the opposite - in order to forgive, we must remember.
- The Decision Phase: This is where we chose that the thought of forgiving shines greater than the pain of not forgiving. It’s making a decision, regardless of how small it is, to move towards our own understanding of what forgiveness looks like for us and in turn gain peace. No matter how small a step, it’s a step towards a free and independent choice that you are ready to move forward in forgiveness.
- The Work Phase: Work, work, work, work. This is the phase that involves working on forgiving. This phase is such a relief! It illustrates clearly that forgiveness is not something we naturally gravitate towards or get right away. This means using empathy, compassion, and perspective taking on the offense or the offender. It means translating or thinking about the resentment and harm into feeling over time.
- The Deepening Phase: When I say integration, this is what I mean. This is where we synthesize the work of the first three phases into an energy that finds meaning in the pain, allows more connection with others, and renewed trust. This is where we find relief and release, and a deeper understanding of what forgiveness means for you externally and internally.
What Forgiveness is Not:
- An acceptance of the offense that occurred against you
- Allowing the offender to be in your life again
- A single decision that stays the same forever
- Lessening the gravity of the offense that occurred
And anything else you’d like to add to the list.
It’s important to note you may never be ready to move through the forgiveness phases and that’s okay. Your decision to move through forgiveness is yours and yours alone, and if that answer is “I’m not willing to forgive” - you are not doing anything wrong. It is crucial you feel empowered to take this movement, and equally empowered in your decision not to move forward.
Deepen your understanding of forgiveness, and what it can offer you. For some it means freedom, for others it’s disempowering. Neither is wrong. With more knowledge around how the forgiveness process works, you are able to make an informed choice about how to move forward in lessening your own resentment and anger.
Alexa Cordry, LSW, LCADC
You can follow more of Alexa's insight on Instagram @yoursadtherapist
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