When I talk about coping skills with clients, specifically more seasoned clients, I’m normally met with an eye roll. It’s that standard therapy language that seems too corny to actually help us deal with our struggles. If I’m feeling a surge of anxiety, or the depths of depression, how are silly little skills supposed to help me get to the root of the problem?
I see another common theme with clients thinking they are too complicated, with too many issues to have coping skills even scratch the surface of what they need. Their eyes point towards a strong medication regimen, radical therapy, and big life overhauls in order to meet their desired needs, and while these paths are valid and sometimes necessary, they miss the mark on foundational needs that need to be satiated before we begin to build on the deeper work.
What are coping skills? Simply put, they are conscious or unconscious strategies we learn over time to aid us in emotional regulation, managing stress, and dealing with negative emotions. These skills exist on a wide spectrum that are both internal and external, and can be done alone or with a supportive community. Most of the time, they aren’t radical or fun - they’re just work. A consistent effort we make in order to rewire parts of our brains to feel safe and confident in handling big emotions.
Chances are you’re already using a coping skill, in fact, I know you are. We all develop strategies from an early age to aid us in self-soothing. Exercise, a good conversation with a friend, getting some time alone, are all coping skills. On the flip side, using drugs or alcohol, gambling, or other high risk behaviors are also coping skills. The issue with these coping skills is they typically result in consequences if used frequently to cope, pushing us into a space where we need to re-learn how to cope in a more productive way.
When we can change the lens around our coping strategies and not label them as “good” or “bad”, but rather “safe” and “unsafe”, we can allow ourselves more freedom in exploring how to cultivate a rhythm of coping that reduces our stress and allows us to become the best version of ourselves.
So do coping skills work? Obviously, yes. Even the unsafe coping skills are giving us a desired result of self-soothing and relief. I think the better question is, how do I make new, safer coping strategies work for me?
The first step is recognizing that when we start to practice new, safer coping strategies, it’s going to feel weird. Our brains aren’t used to coping in these new ways, and in the beginning it will feel like defying your natural programming to put new skills into place. This is normal. Get used to the feeling that you’re “using them wrong”.
The second step is to practice those skills, like you would any other new skill. It will take time to establish a rhythm of safety and comfort. For example, if you’re switching from managing your stress through drinking to managing your stress through social support or meditation, practice is needed with these skills in times of non-crisis in order to build a baseline of “I can reach for this when it all feels too much”. Begin a relationship with these skills so they feel readily available to you when the time comes to reach for them.
The third step is to rotate skills based on the current stress you're experiencing. There are hundreds of ways to cope - from distracting yourself with a good book, to journaling on what emotion you’re experiencing. Find a bucket of coping skills in different categories, and learn to rotate them based on the situation in front of you. This will help you gain a capacity of self-trust by understanding what you need in times of stress, allowing you to access more bodily awareness and intuition.
Recognize, Practice, Rotate. This is the special formula that allows us to utilize coping strategies in a way that will build a foundation and a capacity for you to do the deeper work. Integrating your bucket of coping skills will allow you to take one step further towards your healing.
