For all my non-confrontational people, those who shrink at ordering take out on the phone or correcting someone when they use your name wrong, this article is for you. In the world of digital communication, it’s easier than ever to lean into our non-confrontational nature and shy away from conflict. And who wouldn’t? Conflict, disagreements, resentments - they don’t feel good. They light up the very primitive parts of our brains that activate our fight, flight, freeze or fawn response, leaving us often in less control of our emotions that we would prefer.
The reality is we’re going to have to learn to deal with conflict. At work, in relationships, and in everyday life. Managing conflict is a skill that's honed throughout our early years with caregivers who model conflict resolving behavior for us, or (if we didn’t have caregivers who could effectively model this for us) learned as we mature and develop our communication styles in relationships.
Conflict management and interpersonal effectiveness skills are absolutely critical for functioning in the everyday world. Strategies include assertive communication techniques, “I” statements, accommodations, compromise and perspective taking. We don’t grow into fully formed beings without the experience of conflict and resolution, as much as we may hate it.
But there’s more to be learned from conflict than just how to manage it. It is a rich, inner experience and connective moment with others. Conflict has perks! Take a look below to identify the learning experiences bred by conflict.
Connection with Others: If we can weather the storm of conflict in relationships, we emerge on the other side with a deeper, more trusting connection to the person on the other side. Why is this? It shows your partner, friend, parent that you are willing to sit in on the tough conversations, work through messy emotions, and get to the other side. It breeds trust and intimacy by allowing the exposure of the parts that feel most vulnerable. It shows us we are safe to experience a range of emotions in a relationship. Getting to the other side of conflict in a relationship will undoubtedly bring you closer together.
Corrective Emotional Experiences: If we didn’t have our emotions responded to in the correct way during our early years, or have effective conflict resolution modeled for us, we can be left with distortions when these moments are internalized. Getting into a conflict with someone you trust, while giving them the opportunity to respond to you in a different way, opens up the door to a corrective emotional experience. Essentially, we get to have the correct validation, communication or understanding shown to us in a way we may not have experienced before. This interaction can jump start the healing process and aid us in understanding what we deserve.
Goal & Needs Clarification: Getting the conflict out and on the table helps us understand what it is we’re actually looking for! So many clients I’ve spoken to about conflict can reflect on voicing their concerns, only to realize the conflict was about something totally different (and usually goes little bit deeper). When we voice our concerns and engage in conflict, it helps us understand the goals of what we are trying to solve, while also giving voice to what our core needs are. Moving through conflict allows for curiosity, compassion, the development of boundaries, and a path towards our goals.
Flexibility: Conflict provides us with the experience of hearing another’s perspective, challenging our own beliefs, and making adjustments accordingly. The experience of humility that comes with conflict can often be a great teaching tool for allowing ourselves to be more flexible in our thinking. Accommodation, compromise, and understanding are critical to making conflict resolution stick and stay. We won’t always be right, and that’s okay. Conflict is almost always representing a deeper need we feel is unmet, so allow the flexibility to detach from the details and come to a solid resolution.
Understanding Patterns of Behavior: Couples I work with reflect on the nature of arguments that seem to be reciprocal. In fact, The Gottman Institute, a renowned entity in the world of couples work, states that 69% of conflict in relationships is perpetual. Meaning that it’s less about the conflict, and more about how we work towards understanding and resolution. That being said, conflict is a useful tool for identifying themes that continue to emerge in your life, and taking a wide lens on how these themes connect to your mental status and relationships.
Conflict is our friend, for better or worse. For those of you that remain allergic to conflict, now is the time to re-evaluate how your conflict avoidant ways may be holding you back from better understanding yourself and those around you. When we have conflict with the right people, it will always result in deeper connection, understanding and healing.
Alexa Cordry, LSW, LCADC
You can follow more of Alexa's insight on Instagram @yoursadtherapist
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