Guilt v. Shame: Know the Difference

We all have regrets, it’s a function of the human condition. We wouldn’t be growing, learning or expanding without the help of a few mistakes along the way. From that lens, there’s nothing abnormal about the experience of guilt, the desire to make amends, or wishing we had handled a situation differently. In fact, our guilt is a function of our humanity that clues us back into the version of ourselves we wish to be.

So many of us grow up with a skewed version of what guilt is supposed to mean, and even more have a fundamental misunderstanding of the transition into shame. Both are uniquely distinct and can lead towards the path of growth and redemption, or stunt us in our own skewed reality of who we think we are.

What’s the difference? I can make it really simple for you. Guilt says, “I have done a bad thing”; shames says, “I am bad”. Can you spot the difference?

Guilt is a helpful, evolutionary tool that lets us know, “I am out of alignment with the person I want to be”. It’s a helpful cue to reorient us back on the path to ourselves. When we make mistakes, guilt is the function that allows us to embrace humility, take perspective, use empathy and right our wrongs. It’s a process of allowing ourselves to expand in the right direction.

Shame, on the other hand, is guilt run wild. Without fully processing out or working through our experience of guilt, it morphs into the corrosive distortion that begins to taint our worldview. No longer have you made a mistake - you’ve become the mistake. Once you have settled into shame, your thoughts, actions or emotions will echo the sentiment shame whispers in your ear.

“You’re not good enough”

“You always mess things us”

“You’re out of control”

How do we pull ourselves out of shame, or better yet, stop the shame spiral from starting? Take a look at this list below and pull out strategies that can disrupt the shame narrative in your head.

“Process Out” your Guilt: First let’s identify what trigger point is causing the guilt. Did you skip out on work early, or tell a secret you promised to hold close? Let’s pinpoint this action and look at it for what it really is - a mistake. Ask yourself, “What do I need to do to make this right?”. Tell yourself, “This is out of alignment with who I want to be.”. Be accountable to this question and statement. Allow yourself the experience of looking deeply into the feeling of guilt, and push yourself towards the path you want to be on.
Positive Affirmations: It sounds corny (and it feels corny!), but research has backed the practice of positive affirmations and the impact it can have on shaping cognition. Identify three things you are or want to be. They don’t have to be fantastical - they can even be neutral. Examples may look like, “I am good enough”, “humans make mistakes”, or “I’m trying to make different choices”. Write them on Post It’s and stick them on your mirror, then say them out loud to yourself every morning and night (eye contact with yourself is a bonus point!). Allow yourself to embody these statements and slowly erode away the shame.
Take Stock of your Core Beliefs: Core beliefs are deeply held cognitions on who we believe we are. Overtime, we may have developed some maladaptive core beliefs that don’t represent the person we really are. Take a look at those statements I listed above. Each one is a prime example of shame taking hold of what we know to be true about ourselves. Become familiar with your automatic thoughts. Use a journal to track the things you say to yourself in your head without even knowing it. When you start to bring awareness to how much these thoughts occur, you can work on disrupting them over time.
Talk to a Mental Health Provider: Get yourself a therapist or psychiatric provider! You don’t have to fight the shame battle alone. Working with a trained professional can help you challenge shame based beliefs and reclaim the story you tell yourself. You’ll also learn deeper roots about where this shame may have come from, and why it persists in the present day.
Rewrite your own Narrative: Grab a notebook and a pen. Let’s rewrite the story of our shame. Pick one of those negative core beliefs I spoke on above, and write in the third person. Write a story on that person and how they defied that core belief. Make them tell you why the belief isn't true. This type of perspective taking on your own story can help to slowly undo the story of shame in your body.

Remember - it’s okay to feel guilt! It means you are functioning as an empathetic and human soul. But always be wary of shame lurking around the corner, wanting to turn your human experience into something more. You are inherently worthy, and deserve the freedom to walk through guilt.

Alexa Cordry, LSW, LCADC

You can follow more of Alexa's insight on Instagram @yoursadtherapist

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