Assertive Communication 101

Alexa Cordry, LSW, LCADC -

Communication is the bedrock of solving problems, understanding differences, and building a stronger connection with others. I have yet to see a problem that couldn’t be better understood or solved completely by the use of direct, assertive communication. We need it in our workplace, with our partners, and in our family system to provide us with a sense of safety and trust that our words and feelings are being valued.

The fact that most issues can be solved through communication shows that a great majority don’t fully understand the tenets of assertive communication. Even if understood, the practice of it can feel uncomfortable if we're not used to employing direct and calm approaches through our words.

There are specific traits to assertive communication, and I want to teach you how to put them into practice.

Assertive communication, unlike it’s unruly step siblings passive and aggressive communication, allows us to state our needs, be heard and consider the needs of others while doing so. It is the salve that can bring together arguing couples, workplace drama, and family tension.

Take a look at passive and aggressive communication, and compare these traits to assertive communication. Ask yourself while reading which category feels the most familiar to you.

Passive Communication

  • Non-direct
  • Conflict avoidant
  • Puts others needs before your own
  • Feelings of misunderstanding
  • “No one listens to me”
  • Leads to a build up of resentment & confusion in relationships

Aggressive Communication

  • Direct without considering the needs of others
  • Yelling, judging, arguing
  • Feelings of self-righteousness and anger
  • Prevents meaningful connection with others
  • Frequently interrupts
  • Lacks ability to listen

Assertive Communication

  • Direct - states wants & needs
  • Mindful of speaking volume & tone
  • Eye contact
  • Calm demeanor
  • No interruptions
  • Confident body language
  • Takes perspective of other party into consideration

Try and conceptualize assertive communication through the use of three C’s:

  1. Confidence: Confidently state your wants and needs, using body language to reinforce this point.
  2. Clear: Be direct and clear in the message you are trying to convey
  3. Controlled: Be mindful of tone, actively listen, and keep your volume steady

The key component to assertive communication is considering the needs of the person we are talking to. There is a level of empathy needed to connect to the wants & needs of others, while still respecting our own boundaries and utilizing the word “no”. The use of “I” statements help incorporate this empathy, by allowing the person we are communicating with to feel less defensive and listen more effectively.

Example “I” statements may look like:

“When you leave your clothes on the floor, I feel overwhelmed by the mess.”

“When you don’t make time for us to be together, I feel like you don’t prioritize our relationship.”

“When you shout during arguments, I feel scared and unsettled.”

By reflecting on yourself in these moments, you take the point of contention onto yourself, allowing the party you are speaking to feel less attacked and conceptualize the effect their actions are having on you.

Another way to enhance communication is including a proposed solution with your “I” statement, to help with compromise and understanding:

“When you don’t make time for us to be together, I feel like you don’t prioritize our relationship. Is there a night we can spend together once a week that works for both of us?”

You may ask, “what if I use these techniques, and still don’t feel like anything’s changing?”. That’s a blog post for another day, but I can tell you it’s painful and clarifies the way we may need to handle relationships in the future.

Remember, assertive communication may feel like confrontation if you’re new at using these techniques. There should be nothing confrontational about stating your own wants and needs - you deserve to have your voice heard. Try your hand at practicing these traits on something small, and see how it alters the way you show up for yourself and others.

Alexa Cordry, LSW, LCADC

You can follow more of Alexa's insight on Instagram @yoursadtherapist

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